Sometimes I feel like deep down I’m forcing myself to have an eating disorder for attention. That I don’t eat on purpose. and maybe in a way it’s true because I feel like people would only take it seriously if it was anorexia or bulimia.
I forget that I do have a legit like real eating disorder and it matters.
I really honestly think I have BED.
When I was around 10-12 I would overeat so much. I’d eat like all day and I’d sneak food as well. I know it’s normal for a kid to sneak an extra cookie but I wouldn’t sneak just one. It’d be 5 or 6 or even 10.
As I have gotten older it’s been so much worse. Now that I make money occasionally I will walk down to the gas station and buy a bag of chips and a thing of cookies and boxes of candy and like a few drinks and I will hide them in my room and eat them when I am home alone or when my family is sleeping. I eat until I feel sick.
Some days I will binge and then wake up in the middle of the night panicking because I feel like I’m going to throw up because I consumed so much junk during the day.
It’s so awful and I forget that it’s a disorder too and it’s just as serious as other eating disorders.
I feel so out of control. If there is any junk food in the house it is a guarantee that I will eat it and I will eat as much as I can in one sitting.
This is why I’m so fat, and it only gets worse, because I will restrict for weeks and then binge for weeks, causing me to gain any lost weight back and then some.
It’s so hard to talk about bingeing because for me it is so shameful. I am ashamed that I eat. It’s easy for me to tell a friend when I’m struggling to eat but I will not talk to anyone about BED.
I’m just so ashamed.
not having a license is so annoying!!! I have to go get my graduation dress and shoes today and I have like tons of other things to do. My mom wants to make sure we’re out for the starbucks happy hour thing so we can get something so I was like okay let’s go get my dress around 12 and since my mom has a few other errands to run I figured we’d be done around 3 and we could go on the way home. I have plans for tonight and I have some things to do so like I really need to stick to this time frame but of course my mom hasn’t even started to get ready to go. I need her to take a shower before I do so I can’t even get ready either. It’s just super annoying because if I had my license I would have already been ready and shopping by now.
I seriously am just like a truly horrible person. No one loves me at all. I know people say they like me but I know they really don’t. I’m stupid and loud and obnoxious and annoying and mean and just truly truly horrible. I think when I grow up I will move to a nice ranch in the country and just have animals to keep me company.
I freaking hate when I start crying during the day when my parents are awake. Then I have to panic and calm down if I hear footsteps and I can’t really let anything out.
just wanted to post something I’m really happy about :)
So in my economics class we had to do a video project. It was basically a commercial for a product we made up.
I was in a group with a couple friends from my class and we had a lot of fun filming it but I dreaded watching it. I thought I’d look and sound really dumb.
Well, I didn’t.
It was actually pretty good. and also I saw that I am not a huge whale. I saw my body on video and went wow. I’m definitely not skinny but I am not like super ugly and super fat.
So for now I am really happy :D
I even went to the gas station and got a snack.
I feel so worthless right now.
So incredibly worthless.
I should call him to talk. He used to be my support system. In the beginning of my recovery I’d constantly be calling him and texting him.
I feel like he doesn’t care anymore though. Nobody loves me or cares about me.
I’m so alone, but it’s okay.
I’ll just spend my days reading and writing. I’ll get a house and buy tons of books and make a huge library and it will be beautiful.
I’ll get some cute little cats to make me feel less lonely :)
It’ll be okay. My life can still be good even if I’m alone.
I suck at being a good friend. Like seriously I am the worst friend ever. Why does anyone even put up with me? I wouldn’t put up with me. I’d just be like hey uhh you’re a hurtful bitch go away. Like I wish my friends would do that to me so then I could just be like ohh I’ve been super mean to you, I’m sorry, I’ll just be on my way.
